Not your grandma's doily (or maybe it was, and this is how she rolled, in which case, what were trips to grandma's like!?)

And here we have a swan doily. A black swan doily, at that. It is all kinds of creepy, if you ask me. Well made, but creepy. (Might I draw your attention to the eyes that I'm sure glow in the dark, and the razor sharp blood sucking beaks?) 

How and where does one display one of these in their torture chamber house?

You've gotta admit, though, that's some damn fine craftsmanship.

They're biding their time, waiting to ensnare some poor dopey child into their pineapple lace net of doom.

Yup, that looks about right.

 Welp, this thing pretty much makes fun of itself.

"As Advertised"? Well thank goodness.

What... just... what!?

Having just had a garage sale with my sisters-in-law, I fully understand that you just put stuff out there, slap a price sticker on it and hope for the best. If it sells, you make a buck or two. If it doesn't, it goes off to the thrift store or the trash. Some of it's wacky, some of it's funny. But you try. No harm done.

Just stop and take it all in, would ya? She's crying. There's a silhouetted couple in a lovers' embrace on wind-blown autumnal leaves. Five dollars.

That said, there are some things - case in point, this picture - that I might be too embarrassed to include in my garage sale. Where people come to my house. And know that I owned this. And owned it for what seems like a good 30+ years before deciding to part with it. 

After climbing all those stairs? What do YOU think?

"Not tonight dear. The atomospheric pressure is 101.4 kilopascals and falling. Whoops, sorry, I was reading the barometer by mistake. I mean no, I would rather watch the late late show."

"Now about that mink" - that's right, bribe him for an old timey fur coat.

Cock-eyed Spaniel

Or a heavily barnacled seal. Can't quite decide which.

I was just testing the temperature of the coffee with my brow bone.

Because hiding behind one of these won't draw any attention...

"Marcia, is Kevin from sales watching us again?"

"No, Cynthia, he's just holding his coffee mug against his face again. A perfectly harmless gesture. Calm down."

Is that a carpet sweeper in your hand?

Or are you just happy to see me?

"The Ultimate Authority"

And I thought Cat Fancy was a page turner!

And the over-representation of unicorns continues

Gangsta Unicorn does his best thug pose.

Yes I see the flower and still called him a "he". He's a unicorn, for crying out loud.

We'll cherish the memory forever. Until we don't. And then someone else can.

"Hey Hun, it's me. I'm just out running some errands and I'm at the thrift store and, well, I forget. Did we go to Cancun in 2004? ... It was 2005? Are you sure? ... Shoot. So close..." *returns plate to shelf*

Mastery of the Thigh

"Tell me about the 90s, mom."

"Ah, the 90s. When everyone had disproportionately strong inner thigh muscles."

Thanks for the strong groin muscles, Suzanne Somers. Now I can crush beer cans between my knees.

Don't miss the fibre-optic waterfall

I regret not plugging this in.

Shy swans,  combative doves, a waterfall, iridescent wings, flowers, gravity-defying clothing... I can't, for the life of me, picture this monstrosity on display in someone's house. Though I'd like to. Bet the opulent tackiness didn't end here.

My proudest achievment

That, my friends, is a 100 piece kitten puzzle.

Mounted and framed.

$3.00.

"I think Michael Buble sang a song about us."

Does "World '3 on 3' Hockey Player Award" strike anyone else as being a rather vague distinction?

Pearlescent Bridesmaid doesn't care. She's desperate and looking for love. Tractor beams: locked on target.

Vacant-eyed soul snatcher

Add these things to the list of common thrift store finds. I do believe I had one of these decorative masks in my room as a child, though I can't imagine why. They remind me of (fancy) mimes. And there's one thing you must know about me: I hate mimes.

Dear Anne Geddes

Stop it.

He ain't heavy...

For a week now I have been scratching my head over how these two plaster noggins came into existence. AND how they came to be donated to a thrift store.

"Well, my dream to make bed knobs out of craggy old Norseman faces has fizzled. That was a miscalculation... But surely someone else can make good use out of these two and their blasé demeanor. Buck up, lads. Someone will find a use for you yet!"

I think Oprah decorates with these things too

From here on out, I am giving away these kitchen towel holders as housewarming presents.

Googly eyes and all.

I don't think we use googly eyes enough in home decor these days. Picture all those nifty DIY projects you covet on Pinterest. Now add two independently roaming eyes to all of them. Every headboard, end table, throw pillow, wreath, feature wall...

Eh? Ehhh?

I'm tellin' ya, I'm on to something.